February 2023

‘Clothes maketh the man’, someone said once, I think! Of course, it isn’t true.  Surely we are more than the type, shape and colour of the fabric we choose to wrap around our bodies? Character, personality and our deeds in the world are surely what ‘Maketh a man/or woman’.  But whether we agree with the statement or not, we have to admit that what we wear can say a lot about us ands how we would like people to view us.  Like the music we listen to or the books we read, our clothes do give an impression – a shortcut perhaps- of the type of person we are.

Traditionally, in English culture, dressing for a funeral has usually meant dark clothes; a suit and dark tie and perhaps a veil for the mother or widow of the deceased.  It was always seen seen as a mark of respect, to show that we were saddened by the person’s death and of how much the person meant to us and was respected. Dark and sombre clothes also indicated that the mourners were not the focus of attention. This unwritten dress ‘code’  helped in enabling all the mourners to feel comfortable and to not have to stress about what to wear. I always panic, for example,  when an invitation to an event provides the advice on attire as ‘smart casual’. I tend to have two types of clothes; formal – a suit, and casual – jeans and a T shirt. ‘Smart casual’, is not something I am comfortable with.  As a celebrant I will always (unless asked specifically) wear a dark suit with a tie.

Nowadays, some of these fixed ideas are changing and, as with music  (see previous post), the choice is ultimately with the family of the deceased, perhaps carrying out their loved one’s express wishes but often what they thought they would want. ‘When I die, I do not want people all in black’, is a popular wish along with ‘When I die, I want my funeral to be a celebration’. The whole philosophy and underpinning of a humanist and non – religious funeral is that it should be a celebration of the person’s life. In the tributes, poems and music that make up the ceremony, this is my aim whenever I take a funeral service.

I have conducted funerals where all mourners were dressed in at least one item of green – an Irish service. Funerals where mourners wore the football shirt of the deceased person’s team and a memorial where mourners all wore a T shirt depicting a Disney character. All of the these ceremonies were very special and provided such a personal touch.

I suppose the main message is that we should not worry too much about what we wear; think about what the family would want, play safe if you are unsure, and remember that Clothes do not really ‘Maketh the man or woman’, you are bringing yourself to the service to celebrate a life that has passed.