As well as a very significant time for those with a religious faith, Christmas  can also be time of reflection and of remembering loved ones who are no longer with us. The Christmas and New Year period can often be a lonely time for many and can  also be a stressful time financially and mentally, as we struggle to make sure our Christmas lives up to the huge expectations that we place on it.  The number of people who tell me that they will be glad when it is over, seems to be growing by the year! It can be difficult to take time for ourselves, to quieten down and do something that brings us peace and calm whatever that ‘something’ may be.

For me, it is walking in the Derbyshire hills nearby. I am always surprised by how much better I feel after a two or three hour walk. I feel that I am able to think more clearly than if I am simply sat at home. The act of doing something physical seems to be key with body and mind being engaged.  After my first walk in weeks recently I wonder why I have left it so long. Life gets in the way – work, kids, cooking etc…  We can get out of the habit of doing something that brings us real pleasure and also helps us mentally and physically.  As someone once said ‘walking brings me back to myself’.

So, my New Year resolution is going to be simply – go for walks more often.

Yours may be to go fishing, knit, paint and draw …. Whatever it is, we should all take time out to do the simple things that help us on our journey through life.

A happy New Year to you all.

How do we know which poems to choose?

In this short post, I look at why we might choose a poem for a funeral and what type of poem may be suitable. I have provided some examples of popular poems (In brackets) and would be more than  happy to advise on a poem should anyone wish to give me a call.

I wonder how many of us read a poem more than two or three times a year. I would guess that most of us do not.  Why is it then that most people include at least one poem, and often two or three in a funeral ceremony for a relative or friend? I suppose that the answer is that a well crafted poem can say so much more about our deepest thoughts about a person and how we would like them to be remembered.

It can be daunting for the family to have to express their thoughts of what their loved one meant to them. As a celebrant, part of my role is to help the family express their thoughts and arrive at a fitting tribute; a tribute that is true to the person who has passed away. A tribute will usually look at the chronology of a person’s life, important life events such as education, career and relationships and the type of person they were. (See  my previous post on writing a tribute).  A poem can add to the tribute by providing a deeper sense of what the death of the person means to those mourning him/her.

A good poem can say so much more than the few verses of words it actually is on the page: It can ask mourners to remember the good times and smile rather than be mournful (‘S/he is gone’ – for example). It can help de mystify and take away some of the fear of death (‘Death is nothing at all’ – for example). It can remind us all that although the physical person is no longer with us, their memories continue to live on, indeed, they live on, as everything does on some level, in nature (‘Do not stand at my grave and weep’ – for example). Poetry does not have to be ancient or difficult to understand – indeed some of the finest poems about death are very accessible. Nor does it have to be sombre in its tone (‘If I should go’ – Joyce Grenfell – for example).  And you can find poems for most subject areas – from football to Mountaineering, bus driving to accountancy, after spending a few minutes on Google. As with music, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ poem, only what would be suitable.

I was conducting a funeral service recently  and had shared lots of suggestions for poems with the family who were struggling to make a choice. Eventually one family member handed me a poem written by the relative who had died.  They had no idea that he was a writer and had discovered the piece by chance. The poem was perfect. It is always very special to use a poem or some words written by a relative or friend during a ceremony. A finely crafted lengthy piece or a few words from a grandchild – it doesn’t matter, what matters is that it is personal and heart felt.

February 2023

‘Clothes maketh the man’, someone said once, I think! Of course, it isn’t true.  Surely we are more than the type, shape and colour of the fabric we choose to wrap around our bodies? Character, personality and our deeds in the world are surely what ‘Maketh a man/or woman’.  But whether we agree with the statement or not, we have to admit that what we wear can say a lot about us ands how we would like people to view us.  Like the music we listen to or the books we read, our clothes do give an impression – a shortcut perhaps- of the type of person we are.

Traditionally, in English culture, dressing for a funeral has usually meant dark clothes; a suit and dark tie and perhaps a veil for the mother or widow of the deceased.  It was always seen seen as a mark of respect, to show that we were saddened by the person’s death and of how much the person meant to us and was respected. Dark and sombre clothes also indicated that the mourners were not the focus of attention. This unwritten dress ‘code’  helped in enabling all the mourners to feel comfortable and to not have to stress about what to wear. I always panic, for example,  when an invitation to an event provides the advice on attire as ‘smart casual’. I tend to have two types of clothes; formal – a suit, and casual – jeans and a T shirt. ‘Smart casual’, is not something I am comfortable with.  As a celebrant I will always (unless asked specifically) wear a dark suit with a tie.

Nowadays, some of these fixed ideas are changing and, as with music  (see previous post), the choice is ultimately with the family of the deceased, perhaps carrying out their loved one’s express wishes but often what they thought they would want. ‘When I die, I do not want people all in black’, is a popular wish along with ‘When I die, I want my funeral to be a celebration’. The whole philosophy and underpinning of a humanist and non – religious funeral is that it should be a celebration of the person’s life. In the tributes, poems and music that make up the ceremony, this is my aim whenever I take a funeral service.

I have conducted funerals where all mourners were dressed in at least one item of green – an Irish service. Funerals where mourners wore the football shirt of the deceased person’s team and a memorial where mourners all wore a T shirt depicting a Disney character. All of the these ceremonies were very special and provided such a personal touch.

I suppose the main message is that we should not worry too much about what we wear; think about what the family would want, play safe if you are unsure, and remember that Clothes do not really ‘Maketh the man or woman’, you are bringing yourself to the service to celebrate a life that has passed.

Posted December 2022

Have you ever tried to list your favourite pieces of music? Have you ever imagined that you are appearing on Desert Island Discs and you are limited to select only eight? I am sure the guests of Desert Island Discs must agonise over their choices. But why is it so difficult?

The answer is perhaps because it is so personal. Before the days of digital music and streaming, we would all display our record/tape/CD collections on the shelves of our living rooms.  A five minute scan of a friend’s collection would leave us all with the feeling that we now knew something about their personality. Our music choices say so much about us and we all want to create the right impression so choosing a three or four minute song or piece of music – easy in theory – becomes somehow so much more difficult. And perhaps even more difficult when we are choosing the music for a loved one’s funeral ceremony.

I am often asked by family members whether a particular piece of music would be appropriate. The answer almost always is yes! If the person who has died would have liked the choice then that is a good choice to make. There is no right or wrong type of music and it does not have to be classical or sombre (unless of course that was what the person would have wanted). I conducted one service in memory of a young woman whose happiest times had been when riding her motorbike.  ‘Bat out of hell’, was chosen as the last piece of music. As Meatloaf blasted out the song, mourners left the chapel with a mixture of smiles and tears as they remembered this lovely lady at her happiest – a very fitting tribute.

Often, choices may not seem to make sense, a rap song may played for a lover of the classics because this was the song he loved to listen to his child singing for example. And often people will choose a hymn for a non – religious person whose happiest memories were of singing with friends at school. All of our influences come together when we try to make these important decisions.

‘I did it my way’, and ‘Simply the best’, are two very popular songs played at funeral ceremonies, both carry a strong message about the person who has died.

I will always try to help the family, but in my experience, by family members discussing options, the most ‘fitting’ choices are eventually made.

October 2022

Tribute Writing

Why it is so important to write a good tribute

For many families, the tribute is perhaps the most important part of the funeral ceremony. Tributes can be short or long and can be delivered by family members or friends  or by the celebrant – or indeed a combination of both.  A few words from a grandchild or a short humorous poem read by a close friend can be just as meaningful and uplifting as a very long speech. The essential aspect of a tribute is that it manages to convey something of the essential nature of the person who has died

A large part of my role as a celebrant is putting together a longer piece (around ten minutes). I refer to this as an extended tribute or ‘Life story’.  I do this by spending a couple of hours with the family members where I will listen to the story of the person who has died. This will include such things as education, occupation, travel and pastimes. Although I start by looking at a chronology of the life, there will often be divergences where anecdotes and interesting snippets are shared between family members. These divergences or ‘Tangents’, are often the most important part of the session. My aim ultimately will be to capture the truth of someone’s life: what they were really like, what were they proud of and how will people really remember them.  Although the meeting with family members comes at a very traumatic and raw time for them, I genuinely feel that this session can be of help to bereaved families as they are able to talk freely about the person they have lost.

I always ensure that the main family member (usually the next of kin) has plenty of time to read the finished life story and ensure that they are happy for this to be read during the ceremony .

I have always enjoyed writing, but writing a tribute for the family of someone who has died is both a huge responsibility and a privilege. Each life is unique and I have come to know through my role as a celebrant that each life is also rich and fascinating.

I ask for feedback after conducting the ceremony and the best responses I have are when a family member or friend says … ‘I felt like you must have known him for years’, or ‘You described her life so well’.  Our memories of someone live in us for years after that person has died. This is why a good tribute is so important.