Funeral Ceremonies
Where do we start?
You have made the decision that you want a humanist, non-religious funeral ceremony for the one who has died. No hymns, no prayers, but a dignified, meaningful farewell that will remember, celebrate and pay tribute to your loved one.
Usually, families make this decision with the help of the funeral arranger, who will contact me to confirm that I am available, and give me a few simple details. I will then phone you and arrange to come to your home to meet you, talk about the person you have lost, and plan the ceremony. I always allow about two hours for these meetings. You might like to think about music choices, biographical details, and so on beforehand.
When we meet, I usually start with the ‘story’ – the where, when, who and what, the dates, the names, the places – of the life we’re remembering. We can then think about the personality, the stories, the hobbies, the passions, the jokes, all the things that made that person the absolutely unique individual that you knew. We can discuss any personal tributes from family or friends. I like to see photographs, if possible, as they help me to build a picture of the person I’m learning about.
We can then start to plan the ceremony. There are no rules, other than time limits, but basically we have to have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Like most celebrants, I find that the format
- Welcome
- Life story/tribute
- Quiet pause for reflection
- Formal farewell – the ‘committal’
- Parting
usually works well, but there is no reason not to change it. In a woodland or cemetery setting, we would often change the order slightly so that we conduct most of the ceremony indoors before moving outside for the actual committal.
Poems and readings – if poetry is right for that person! – can be used in whatever part of the ceremony is most appropriate, depending on the ‘mood’ of the poem, for example. Some poems lend themselves to slight alteration to fit the character and life we are remembering, which can add to the picture we are painting. There are many favourite poems, of course, but there are also many less well-known pieces that might fit the character, the circumstances, or the mood of the occasion.
I try to let any contributions from family and friends come at the end of the ‘story’, since what you say has so much more significance than words from me. If you feel you may be unable to speak on the day, then I can always read your contribution for you.
As far as music is concerned – again, no rules, either for when or what. However, what usually works is that we have music at the beginning as we come in, a quiet ‘reflective’ piece in the middle, and go out to something more uplifting. Sometimes we play music between sections of the ‘story’, or as the curtains close. The important thing is that the music is right for that person. The music might bring back special memories, or be a link with stages in that person’s life. Music is so often part of the picture, a poignant part of the story.
Recent choices have included –
‘Wind beneath my wings’, ‘Over the rainbow’, ‘My way’, ‘Bat out of Hell’, ‘Always look on the bright side of life’, ‘My old man’s a dustman’ (he was!), as well as tracks by Dire Straits, Mozart, Bob Dylan, Beethoven, Vera Lynn, Deep Purple, Debussy, Louis Armstrong, Chopin, Eva Cassidy, Bob Marley – the list goes on!
I think the ‘pause for reflection’ is important – a few moments of silence, possibly followed by a quiet piece of music, so that people can gather their thoughts and memories. I always suggest that anyone present who does have a religious faith may like to take the opportunity for private prayer. (After all, our ceremony is ‘without religion’, not ‘anti-religion’, and we respect everyone’s freedom to hold whatever belief gives them comfort.)
I will also be sure that we discuss all the details of the ceremony, so you know what to expect, and things run smoothly. Small details, such as how we come into the ‘chapel’, where you will be sitting, whether we draw the curtains or not when we say farewell, and how I or the funeral director will guide you at the end of the ceremony, are all important. We might also consider having a photograph or memento (hat, golf club, football . . .) on display during the ceremony, as a tangible and positive reminder of the one we’re thinking of.
I will always send you a draft of the ‘story’ before the ceremony, so you can check for dates, names and so on, and that you’re happy with the overall approach.
I give every family a presentation copy of the full ceremony, produced to a high standard, as a memento. I will also give you a copy on CD, so that you can make further copies, or email it to family members far away, if you wish.