Funerals – Q & A
Your questions answered
What has changed as a result of the Covid 19 pandemic?
You can still have a respectful and significant ceremony. We just need to be a little bit more creative in how we do it.
A number of restrictions have been put in place at crematoria, cemeteries and woodland burial sites. As the rules keep changing and there will be some local variations, both the Funeral Director (if you are using one) and I will support you and ensure that, together, we find the best way to celebrate the life just ended.
As the rules currently stand, you can have a small gathering at the crematorium or graveside in order to mark the death and to say your goodbyes. I’ll make sure that this is respectful and meaningful. Small gatherings can be very intimate and just as valuable as large ones.
We can arrange respectfully to record or share the ceremony in some way if you would like – perhaps by video or a photographer. Alternatively, we can share the words of the ceremony with others and plan for them to read it in their own homes, at the same time as I deliver it at the crematorium or graveside. Many crematoria have live streaming facilities so it may be that your friends and family can watch the funeral ‘live’.
Memorial ceremonies
Perhaps you’d like to plan a Memorial Ceremony for later, when we can all meet in groups again. This gives you more time to plan the event and to make it a really personal celebration of a life. With more time to plan, others can take time to consider how they would like to mark the person’s life and be a little more creative – if you want to – about what to say, do, play, read, film etc.
What is a Humanist?
For me, being a humanist means I believe this is the one life I have and so I want to live it positively.
At Humanists UK, the word ‘humanist’ is explained as having come to mean someone who –
– trusts to the scientific method when it comes to understanding how the universe works
– rejects the idea of the supernatural (and is therefore an atheist or agnostic)
– makes their ethical decisions based on reason, empathy, and a concern for human beings and
other sentient animals
– believes that, in the absence of an afterlife and any discernible purpose to the universe, human
beings can act to give their own lives meaning by seeking happiness in this life and helping
others to do the same.
A humanist ceremony is a chance to celebrate what it is to be human – the values we share, the support we give each other, our ability to connect and to be an important part of each other’s lives, our capacity to reason, our curiosity to learn and to be creative.
Do I need to be a humanist for you to conduct my mother’s funeral?
You don’t need to be a humanist, but must want a ceremony for her that is free from religious content. The most important thing is that you have the opportunity to grieve for her, to hold a ceremony that reflects who your mother was, provides an opportunity to say goodbye to her, pays tribute to and celebrates her life.
How much do you charge for a Humansi funeral?
My current fee is £200. It may be a bit more if you want a longer time at the crematorium or by the graveside. I don’t charge for expenses unless you want me to travel long distances. Fees for memorial services depend on exactly what you need.
Can anyone speak at the ceremony or does it all have to be said by you?
I have conducted several hundred ceremonies. Each one is different. What takes place during the ceremony is up to you. You might want me to do all the speaking. You might prefer someone else to do most of it or for different people to contribute. Any of these options is fine. This is something we will discuss when we meet.
The only restriction will be, if you’re planning to hold the ceremony at a crematorium, how much time is allowed.
Where do humanist and non-religious ceremonies take place?
Ceremonies often take place at a crematorium or at a graveside – or a combination of the two. Burials can take place in council or privately run cemeteries, or in woodland burial sites. However, you can hold the ceremony wherever you want to (you may need special permission for some venues) and then just take your person’s coffin to a cemetery or crematorium afterwards – or before. Memorial ceremonies can take place anywhere, perhaps a place that was important to the person who has died or to those left behind.
Although my brother wasn’t religious my mother is, so can we say the Lord’s Prayer at his funeral?
The structure of the ceremony is up to you. However, I only lead ceremonies without religious content so, if you want to say a prayer or have religious readings, I can’t conduct the ceremony for you, but could suggest somebody else who will.
I’ve never planned a funeral ceremony before. What has to be included?
Most people don’t have experience of organising a funeral. This is why I arrange the ceremony for you. I have been conducting ceremonies for over twenty years so have plenty of experience. We’ll meet beforehand and I’ll guide you through what could happen during the ceremony. We’ll create an event to suit you and one that’s appropriate and personal to the life of the deceased.
I’ve been told that I’m approaching the end of my life and will die in the next few weeks. Can I talk to you about the funeral ceremony I would like?
Yes, I am more than happy to meet with you, and your family if you wish. We can discuss your funeral. Others I’ve helped under these circumstances have felt relieved that they’ve been able to participate in the planning of their ceremony and to have their wishes heard. It’s often a way of helping your family talk about what’s to come and to know that the celebration of your life will be just as you would have wished.
Find out more about Pre-Planning your funeral.
What sort of music do we have to play during the ceremony?
You can choose whatever music you like, or you don’t have to play any music at all. People often choose something that reflects the person’s tastes – jazz, classical, rock or pop. Or you might prefer just some gentle music that everyone will feel comfortable with. It’s up to you and I’ll be there to help you decide. The only restriction is how much time we have at the crematorium, if that is where you decide to hold the ceremony.
My sister lives in Australia and won’t be able to attend the funeral. Can we take photographs for her?
If this is something you want, and you feel others will feel comfortable, then this is absolutely fine. Of course, it must be done discreetly, so as not to cause upset. I will also provide you with a written copy of the ceremony for you to keep so that you will be able to send this to your sister if you would prefer.
Some crematoria have live streaming and recording facilities, so she will be able to be part of the ceremony or watch it at a later time.
I don’t like the idea of the curtains closing during the ceremony. Does this have to happen?
The curtains don’t have to close – it’s whatever you’d prefer. We can talk through this when we meet. My advice will often be that they do close as, in my experience, people find it much harder to leave the crematorium if they have been left open. Closing the curtains, even though it can be a difficult part of the ceremony, is a symbol of saying goodbye to the person who has died. But it is up to you.
Not everyone can make the funeral – can we have a memorial ceremony at another time?
You can have a memorial ceremony anytime and anywhere that you chose. I’ll be happy to conduct this for you or just advise you on how you could structure it. There will be an additional charge if I conduct it for you on the day, depending on where and when it is. Find out more about Humanist Memorial Ceremonies.
Are there a minimum or maximum number of people who can attend?
There is no minimum number of people. The maximum will only be restricted by the amount of space at the venue where you hold the ceremony. (n.b. Covid 19 restrictions may be in place at your local venue).
What clothes do people wear at a Humanist funeral?
It’s entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. In that sense it is no different from any funeral you may have been to. You can wear traditional mourning clothes or something colourful or casual. Whatever suits you.
Are humanist funerals very unusual?
Humanist and non-religious funerals are increasingly popular as more people experience them. So nowadays it’s as easy to organise this type of ceremony as it is a religious one. More and more people are choosing this type of ceremony as they reflect the person’s life and personality. They are personal to the person who has died and are a good opportunity to celebrate their lives.
If I am not happy about the ceremony that you’ve conducted, then is there someone I complain to?
I hope that this will never arise. However if you do have reason for complaint, I’d like the chance to discuss this with you. You can also make complaints to Humanists UK, with whom I am accredited.
I’m not sure if this is the sort of ceremony that I want for my wife. Can I speak to you about this before I make a commitment to you conducting it?
Of course you can. I’m happy for you to phone – 07771 595626 – and discuss this or else I will come and speak to you at your home or at the funeral directors, if you would prefer.